pink and smelly

has anyone ever felt erased? it is a weird feeling and devastatingly lonely. your name is gone, your pictures. hopefully not your memory, but you cannot really be sure who is holding on to that, if anyone is. i beg that someone will. just don't forget me, not yet, not until i can fix things.
i got a house. for those of you who know the area, it is on 20th and emerson. it is a fantastic neighborhood. apparently, the house is incredible. oh, i haven't seen it. am i crazy? don't worry, i will be holding a house-warming party and of course, you will be invited. i am excited and a little nervous. i will be living with one of my oldest and greatest friends, one of his friends and someone else that no one really knows. i can't wait!
i also got a job nannying. yay! this kid, jeb, is so cute. it makes me feel maternal. don't worry.
AND i am taking a trip out east and wouldn't mind riders. so far i have one for sure. i am very excited for this, i miss my sis terribly and i miss philadelphia. i miss the neighborhoods and the trees and the bicycles and the friends. that one i miss the most.
this weekend has been so dramatic. honestly, i am usually a drama free person, but my god, it's one thing after another these days. okay, actually, just last night and today. whoa.
though i fail miserably i am trying, please, you should also try.

oh yeah, and i miss the philadelphia art museum.



cranky is a friend of mine

thanksgiving is over. but there is a ton of food in my fridge and although it was all really good to begin with, none of it is appealling to me now.
surprisingly enough, i had a really nice holiday. thanksgiving happens to be my least favorite of all the days we remember, celebrate, party. my parents are real big on inviting everyone we know who doesn't have a place to go. so, jeff, dinah and dell all came over for some football(weird) and food and of course, good company. it was nice.
unfortunately, the holiday didn't bring me any clarity. if anything it brought me more confusion. i seem to be running back and forth between, at least, two things. so, not only am i still perplexed, but i am tired from all that running. i need a long nap and some enlightenment.
don't be strangers.


working woman

i've officially been off the farm for 9 days. whoa. that sounds a lot longer than it feels.
i found a job(yay!) and so far, i like it. it isn't my dream job and i don't make great money, but i am learning a lot and meeting some people my age.
the move was way harder than i thought it would be, i am still working through that. those of you on the east coast may see me sooner than you thought(don't hold your breath, though). i know i owe a lot of you letters and i have some that i need to send out. give me some time and some understanding.
please, be gentle with each other.



done as a doornail

my last day on the farm was monday. it is both exciting and terrifying.
i am scared about entering the real world: work, transportation, friends. all of which i have none as of yet.
to be honest, i wonder if staying in denver was a bad choice. though, while making the choice i didn't think there could be a right or wrong. maybe i was wrong, there is a first time for everything.
so far i have no concrete job(depressing) or transportation(i left my bike in loveland: also depressing), or many friends(except buster). sweet.
so, i am a little depressed. please, send me your love!! your prayers and thoughts are also greatly, greatly appreciated.
i am at my parents temporarily
7241 south sherman street
centennial, co 80122

303 738 8676

love love love.


futuristic futures

it's my day off and, although it is a nice break, i kind of would like to be filling my time with something other than sitting in an empty room, spending time on the internet.
it's been a long month and in this moment i am excited for this internship to be over. i am learning a lot really appreciate the opportunity, i love the people i've met and where i live, but i feel ready for my next move. who knows what that will be. any ideas?

i miss you all and am excited to see you soon.



lawn mower

i just mowed a lawn for the first time in my life. yay. i was really awesome. trust me.

also, i went to market for the first time. whoa, a lot of firsts. it was really fun. we traded veggies for popcorn, bread and cheese. mmmm. i almost wish i could go to market every week.

the cows are officially moving on sunday. i am both happy and sad. happy because alicia and i are tired of doing all the milking by ourselves. sad because they are my girls. i will miss them immensely. as bratty as they are, they are so sweet.

not much else going on. i am happy, most of the time.

the greatest gift in life is love.



we've had two overnight kids groups this week. that's where young kids come up for three days...it's been fun and overwhelming. it's nice to not have to be responsible for any children.

we also sheared a couple of sheep today. we had to wrestle the sheep to the ground, it was very intense and funny. it reminded me somewhat of ninja fighting.

thankfully, my day off is tomorrow. yay! i am spending the night at my parents, which is a nice treat. i cannot wait to go to bed, wake up late, take a bath, make cookies, go out to lunch with mom, see dad at work...i know, pretty exciting. well, i am excited anyway.

remember to be loving as the day is long.


daddy's gone

a few days ago we harvested our bull, tony and another one of our cows, herfy. it was kind of an intense day. it all started at 6am, when we woke up to harvest some veggies. i left at 7 to go pick up some donuts, mmm. came back to tom, the butcher. he harvested tony first, i didn't watch. but i did see the beginnings of his head being cut off. it was pretty intense. then i went in to finish making breakfast and i cut my finger. it wasn't too bad, but i lost a good amount of blood and almost fainted. don't worry i am fine now.
so, after i recovered from my injury and finished b. fast, i watched the harvesting of herfy. i have never experienced anything like that. he was visibly scared, he knew something was wrong. tom is really good at what he does and shot herfy between the eyes, about an inch up. the second the bullet hit him he was down. boom. it was surprisingly loud. then for about 7 seconds, while the energy left his body, he shook. it was a dramatic experience. one that i am glad i had.
i am in fort collins this afternoon, having fun with my roommate. we are going to the co-op now to get rice dream bars. mmmm.
i wish you were here.

post script: emily, call me 970 461 0272 and leave me yo numba.


new beginnings

i don't know about you, but the weather here is beautiful. i got a little sunburned yesterday, but today i was religous about putting on some sunscreen. it's so sunny and a little breezy every once in a while.
our first share pick up is one friday. for those of you who don't know, we are a csa(community supported agriculture). look around in your area and be a part of one. they are great and keep small farms afloat. anyway, we've been busy weeding and planting and weeding a little more. it's been fun though. i remember being in my mom's garden back in the day and hating weeding, but it isn't so bad. especially if we sing songs.
i guess not a lot is happening here. we've been super busy and are only going to get busier.

send me your prayers and maybe some money.

i love you all and hope i can be better at it.


potato day

we planted potatoes today. 15 rows, 19 third and fourth graders. it was fun.
things have been picking up here. the springs call for all the new life. it has been exciting and tiring.
we have a new calf and two new lambs. they are all precious, but especially the lambs. they are tiny! and about 2 days old.
we have been enjoying our first harvest of asparagus and spinach lately. mmm, it's all been so good.

my new roommate got here last week and, if i haven't already said, i moved into the yurt. it's been a good transition. i am really enjoying both rebecca and our living space.

i hurt my hand yesterday...real bad. it's wrapped up pretty good, but real hard to use. i hope it's not broken!

love each other.



the last snowfall

hopefully, anyway.
we had a bit of a storm on sunday. it was nice to take the next couple of days easy, but i am in need of some sunshine. today, though, is beautiful. caitlin and i did some serious work getting stuff cleaned up outside the maintenance shed. it feels good to do some work like that, instantly gratifying.
i moved yesterday. i went back and forth between being happy and sad about it. i feel that way about most things these days. it was cold last night, but i cuddled up to myself and was warm.
my new roommate arrives on friday. i feel excited to meet her, get the season really started.
not much news, i guess that's good.
your communication is always welcome.

love each other like you love yourself.


first day of the season

well, today it started. the season, that is. it was wonderful.
what with the time change and all it was a little hard to wake up this morning, but at about 4:45 i told myself i was being ridiculous and made myself get out of bed. it stayed dark until about 7! after milking we all had breakfast together, even piper(the goat). then i helped steve with some chores, alicia with some 'crap piles' (piles of crap that needed to be removed), covered some crops with this white fabric, put out some irrigation pipes, took a lunch break, seeded, did some laundry, climbed a tree. yay, it was a good day.
two new interns arrived yesterday, mark and val. they are really nice and seem to be expecting good community, that makes me excited.
like i said before: we seeded a little outside today, i got a better grasp at how large our property really is...it's big. we planted peas and although it was a bit of a struggle(we started to use the wrong type of seeds, then they wouldn't come out of the seeder), it was really fun.
it was a beautiful day, sunny and windy. now, though, it looks like rain. the sky is a wonderful blue, the clouds are moving in and the sun is hiding away.
now that we've officially started the season and we're on more of a schedule, i have to make breakfast once a week-ish. anyone have favorite breakfast recipes?
keep the letters coming, the packages coming, the love forever.
you are great.


death and life

i have been here for 25 days and i feel good. i have seen the cycles of life and death, it is refreshing and sad and energizing.
a day before my brithday two calves were born. yay! one of them i got to carry right after the birth, so for the majority of the day i wore a hoodie covered in afterbirth. i know it sounds kind of disgusting, but really it was amazing. to see a huge animal, who was also small, come from a larger animal and then to be able to hold him(xtreme lee)...i mean, i am basically a veternarian now. pretty much.
but of course, when there is life there is also death and one usually follows the other. today i found one of our chickens dead. it is most definitely a part of life on a farm, life anywhere, but it is a little disheartening. i hope she didn't suffer, i hope it was quick.
there is of course the birthing of a lifestyle and ideas and the death of a lifestyle and some ideas. there is the beginning of friendships and, unfortunately, the end of friendships. it really is all a part of the cycle and it is beautiful and ugly, joyous and painful. but without the death, life would never be as sweet.
it snowed today, a lot. usually, in late march, i would be devistated. but because my work, grocery and friends all are within a 3 minute walk from me it was more pretty than devistating.
plus, with the exception of a few hours, i got to sit in a warm house all day talking with my friend(and eating some candy, mmm).
all of the cards and packages i got for my birthday were wonderful. thank you all, i felt very blessed.
oh and!! my address is wrong in the previous post. sorry. the corrected address is:
5943 north county road 29
loveland, co 80538
i won't write it here, because it will take up too much room, but read kahlil gibran's essay on work. it makes it better to wake up at 4:20 to milk or to go feed the calves in the snow.
love isn't easy, but well worth it.


it's been a while

i know i missed last week and definitely heard about it! sorry. it's hard to make myself sit at the computer when there are so many other things i want to be doing.
things are good. i am learning a lot and stretching a lot. plus, my body is really sore.
milking is going good. there is always something crazy happening with those girls. i love them.
this week we're getting all new chickens so we've been cleaning out the chicken house. gross. those animals are really disgusting. they smell so bad!
we are also harvesting some pigs on friday. i am really nervous about that, but i think it'll be a good experience.
i've been eating meat, which is weird and good. it's nice to know where all the meat i eat comes from. it's also fun to milk and that night drink the milk...it's a nice cycle.
my birthday is coming up *cough, cough* i think we are going contra dancing, that should be interested. one of the boys, seth, bought me a ticket to psychograss for thursday night at the boulder theater. that should be fun too.

i need to go eat. i love you all. come visit.



i am here

well, i am here and it's most of what i expected. i am a little lonely, but for the most part happy.
i milk my first cow today. actually about 5 of them. it went surprisingly well. the set up of all the equiptment might be a bit to remember, but other than i am a pro!
it is really beautiful here, the mountains, the open space, the animals. i wake up to roosters crowing every morning at about 4am. yes, you can feel bad for me.
slowly, i am finding where i fit in all of this. it isn't always easy, but i am learning.
for your information my old cell phone is no longer mine. it now belongs to my parents and has a colorado number.
my new number is 970 461 0272, mailbox 2. i think that's right. it should be in an earlier post anyway.
be loving and love hard.


i'm leaving on a jet plane

okay, so i have finally made it out west and so far it isn't so bad. i miss my family in philadelphia.
i leave for the farm in a couple days. i am anxious.
please, don't forget me.


one last day

i have one more day to spend in philadelphia. i am leaving a great deal, more than i could even imagine. but i hope to be moving to a great deal as well.
this weekend was really wonderful and though i thought it would make leaving harder, it did quite the opposite. i feel blessed and sent away in love. it was exciting to hear from around the country the things people are engaged in. it was fun meeting a few new people and being inspired for new futures.
i learned to dream big, because there will always be people to pull me back to reality, but there may not always be dreamers.
i learned that things don't get easier, they just change.
i learned that even if you think you've made it through something, or are 4 days away from something, everything can change in one second.
i hope you are well tonight.


it must be final

i just bought a plane ticket to denver for february the 23rd. the ticket was only 100$, but with fees and all it came to 124$...not bad!
it makes everything really real. that's awfully scary, but if there was any good time to go it would definitely be now.
as of march first my new address will be 5943 north county road 29, loveland, co 80538
and i think my new number is 970 461 0272
packages, love letters, pictures(!), phone calls are all excitedly welcomed.


kahlil gibran

Almustafa, the chosen and the beloved, who was a dawn onto his own day, had waited twelve years in the city of Orphalese for his ship that was to return and bear him back to the isle of his birth.
And in the twelfth year, on the seventh day of Ielool, the month of reaping, he climbed the hill without the city walls and looked seaward; and he beheld the ship coming with the mist.
Then the gates of his heart were flung open, and his joy flew far over the sea. And he closed his eyes and prayed in the silences of his soul.
But as he descended the hill, a sadness came upon him, and he thought in his heart:
How shall I go in peace and without sorrow? Nay, not without a wound in the spirit shall I leave this city.
Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his pain and his aloneness without regret?
Too many fragments of the spirit have I scattered in these streets, and too many are the children of my longing that walk naked among these hills, and I cannot withdraw from them without a burden and an ache.
It is not a garment I cast off this day, but a skin that I tear with my own hands.
Nor is it a thought I leave behind me, but a heart made sweet with hunger and with thirst. Yet I cannot tarry longer.
The sea that calls all things unto her calls me, and I must embark.
For to stay, though the hours burn in the night, is to freeze and crystallize and be bound in a mould.
Fain would I take with me all that is here. But how shall I?
A voice cannot carry the tongue and the lips that give it wings.
…Alone and without his nest shall the eagle fly across the sun.

Now when he reached the foot of the hill, he turned again towards the sea, and he saw his ship approaching the harbor, and upon her prow the mariners, the men of his own land.
And his soul cried out to them, and he said:
Sons of my ancient mother, you riders of the tides,
How often have you sailed in my dreams. And now you come in my awakening, which is my deeper dream.
Ready am I to go, and my eagerness with sails full set awaits the wind.
Only another breath will I breathe in this still air, only another loving look cast backward, then I shall stand among you, a seafarer among seafarers.
And you, vast sea, sleepless mother,
Who alone are peace and freedom to the river and the stream,
Only another winding will this stream make, only another murmur in this glade,
And then shall I come to you, a boundless drop to a boundless ocean…
If this is my day of harvest, in what fields have I sowed the seed, and in what unremembered seasons?
If this indeed be the hour in which I lift up my lantern, it is not my flame that shall burn therein.
Empty and dark shall I raise my lantern,
and the guardian of the night shall fill it with oil and she shall light it also.

And when he entered into the city all the people came to meet him, and they were crying out to him as with one voice.
But he answered them not. He only bent his head; and those who stood near saw his tears falling upon his breast.

And he said:
Patient, over-patient, is the captain of my ship.
The wind blows, and restless are the sails;
Even the rudder begs direction;
yet quietly my captain awaits my silence.
And these my mariners, who have heard the choir of the greater sea, they too have heard me patiently.
Now they shall wait no longer.
I am ready.
The stream has reached the sea, and once more the great mother holds her son against her breast.
Forget not that I shall come back to you.
Farewell to you and the youth I have spent with you.
You have sung to me in my aloneness, and I of your longings have built a tower in the sky.
But now our sleep has fled and our dream is over, and it is no longer dawn.
The noontide is upon us and our half waking has turned to fuller day, and we must part.
If in the twilight of memory we should meet once more, we shall speak again together and you shall sing to me a deeper song.
And if our hands should meet in another dream, we shall build another tower in the sky.